It’s not an official diagnosis, but it may well be an apt description of an increasingly common concern for parents of 20-30 year-old children. Some point to negative transformations in the economy and increased job requirements. Whereas in the past a B.A. might have ensured a comfortable white-collar job with full benefits, it is now common for young graduates to be advised to get used to asking, “Do you want fries with that?” Even young adults with multiple diplomas/degrees have been observed to have trouble finding their feet in a career that will sustain an independent lifestyle without significant financial support from parents.
However, it also seems clear that changes in our culture have had an impact. Parental expectations and practices have shifted toward the encouragement of diverse and creative thinking, development of a broad range of experience through extracurriculars and following one’s heart/passion in pursuit of a career. In addition, today’s parents have shifted toward listening more to their children’s ideas and feelings—many will speak of having “fantastic conversations” about topics parents would never have shared with their own parents. Why is it, then, that some children seem to have reached a roadblock in terms of motivation, energy and ideas.
Terms like failure to launch, boomerang generation (i.e., leaving home for school but later returning to live with parents) and the cluttered nest have developed to describe this phenomenon. But even though this may reflect popularized ways to satirize modern family life (see the film, Failure to Launch, starring Matthew McConaughey & Sarah Jessica Parker), it is clear that many young adults develop problems with lack of confidence, social anxiety, depression and substance abuse. Untreated, these problems themselves may contribute to a young adult feeling stuck and unable to move forward to independence. It is often hard to encourage or promote change at home, and parents can become stuck in a cycle of quiet avoidance punctuated by periodic crises or angry encounters between children and parents. Resentment can build on both sides over time—parents resent the sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation displayed, along with the resistance to trying new things or even helping out around the home, and young adults can feel that parents ‘nag’ constantly and ‘don’t understand’ the lack of opportunity they perceive and the hopelessness they feel.
Individual psychotherapy with the son or daughter alone is typically not enough to address the situation fully. While psychotherapy could help with some specific aspects of the situation, there is typically a well-developed system in place that can actually work against making the bigger changes. Household rules and practices (explicit and implicit, developed over long periods) may actually be working against building independence on the part of young adults. For example, skills such as driving, resume writing, cooking, cleaning and household maintenance may be minimal or absent. In such cases, it may well be unrealistic to expect young people to suddenly decide to grow up and move out. Instead, a longer term plan developed as a family is the best course. Meeting with a professional, such as a psychologist, could be helpful in (1) assessing areas for growth/development; (2) strengthening communication among family members in order that everyone ‘get on the same page’; and (3) working together to build a mutually agreeable plan of action toward mutually agreeable goals and outcomes.
Further reading:
Failure to Launch Syndrome
Thriving
Adult Child Living at Home